I'm Ben, and this is my site, now please go away.
No, no, come back, come back! I didn't really mean that, see. Just fair warning. Disclaimer. You know. Set expectations appropriately, see? I don't want you emailing saying "Ben, your site looks like crap," or "Ben, you can't write." I want you emailing me saying "Ben, cadmium administered in small doses will make your boss's hair fall out but is completely untraceable," and "Ben, I have fallen madly in love with you from reading about your love of cartoons, I want to run away with you and bring purpose to your life the way your words have brought purpose to mine."
See? No, fuck, this doesn't make sense. Look, I'm in a bad mood, but don't let that drive you off. I care, really, I do. But you gotta not be expecting me to be all sunshine and smiles and "oh, I found a flower today, isn't it special, and go visit all my flower friends and sign my flower guestbook." Wrong Ben. See me, know me, love me. That's all I ask.
Okay. That's a little better. From the top.
I'm Ben Duggan. I live in San Mateo, and I just turned 24 and I hate my job. I sell ads for a company that you'd think would be really tech-savvy. And you'd be wrong. I live with my my roommate Doug in a housing complex so generic sometimes we forget which one we live in. The electronics in our apartment weigh more than the two of us put together. Doug has the bigger monitor, but International Play Station Rupert belongs to me. We went in halves on the TV and VCR, so we're kinda fucked if we ever stop being roommates. We get along pretty well, though, so I'm not too worried.
Fuck. There must be something more interesting about me than the stuff I own.
Okay. If you think you know me from somewhere, I grew up in Pasadena and wasted the four "happiest" years of my life at UCSD, where I got a completely useless degree in literature. How useless? Well, I work in computers and I can't write, so it didn't get me a job and it didn't teach me anything. I moved up here from there back in April, and I really don't want to talk about the time between then and graduation.
I don't like to read any more, I'm losing the patience to sit through commercial breaks, and movies are starting to go over my head. I'm expecting my brain to completely decay by the time I hit 30, and then I'll be the ultimate Samurai Showdown III player, all reflex and no slow thought processes. At least until the rest of my nerves start decaying too. I like to eat and I'll eat anything that tastes good. And I love my Saturday morning cartoons. Things have really gone downhill since I was a kid. I miss my hour of Looney Tunes and my hour of Garfield. That was the best cartoon show ever. I don't understand why Garfield keeps going when U.S. Acres had to die. Garfield is on his 37th book, which is like his 30th unfunny one. But at least there were all the U.S. Acres episodes on the Garfield show.
Cheese danish! Cheese danish!
Hahahahaha. Still funny. But anyway, at least these days they're putting on more imported Japanese cartoons. Even if half of them are Pokemon. Which I have to admit now is kind of compelling. Pika pika! They're all just so cute. If I ever saw any kids at all, I'd be bracing for all the Pikachu costumes for Halloween. Don't even talk to me about Halloween. I think I'm going to go as me.
I bet you're all dying to know about Vlysses. I bet you're all like "hey, English major, quit showing off, did you actually read it, no man, I don't think so." Yeah, well, you're wrong. It's not v-Lysses or anything stupid like that. It's even stupider. I was visiting New York once and we went to Grant's Tomb, and the inscription said "Vlysses S. Grant," because they were writing the "U" in the real old style back when "V" and "U" both looked like "V." I was vlysses on a couple of friend's computers for a while, and it stuck.
See, real boring.
Just like me.